Insanity

There’s a feeling in the back of my head. It lingers there, waiting. With my surroundings twisted in confusion and anxiety, it is hard not to notice.

Why is this happening?

It strikes in short bursts. It turns the whole world into a dream. It swaddles me in a blanket of indifference.

Why do I bother?

Plans always fall through. Yet, this one is different. This setback sent me into a spiral of depression.

Why should I go back?

I could move away. I could get a job. I could start a new life.

Who would hire me?

My disabilities scream at me every time I move. In the morning I feel weak. In the evening I feel worn out.

What did I do wrong?

It is a constant reminder of my inability to get anything right. It screams at me. It criticizes every move I make.

Am I going crazy?

I struggle to eat. I hear the food mocking me. I wait in a fetal position for the pain to subside.

When will this end?

The night feels so lonely. I was spoiled rotten, always having someone by my side. I wonder what he’s thinking now.

Does he miss me?

I am tired. I am worn. I can’t go on.

What else do I need to do?

It rides this rollercoaster with me. It feels my anxiety build up. It is ready to latch onto me.

Am I going crazy?

She needs my help. He’s feeling sad and I can fix it. Maybe I can do this for all of them.

Why can’t I stop?

I want to live. I want to work. I want to do more for others.

What difference do I make?

I fall into my dream world. I drown in indifference for myself. I constantly choke on my need to please others.

Why can’t I win?

It tells me to stop. It tells me that I have an option to let myself waste away. Only loved ones might keep my mind from deteriorating.

Am I going crazy?

I feel nothing. I am freed by the muffled whispers of insanity. I am filled with a pleasant indifference.

So, why am I terrified?

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