Everything I do feels so much harder than ever before. Has opening my eyes in the morning always taken so much energy? Has breathing always been so incredibly difficult? I try to distract myself by spending time with my friends or running errands or helping other people, but once I stop moving the weight settles back on me.
Lifting my arm to pick up a cup of water is no easier than running a marathon. Just the thought of schoolwork brings my mind to a standstill. Even simple conversation has become a challenge. My thoughts stick to the inside of my head, and the words I hear bounce right back out. Just these few sentences have taken me twenty minutes to write.
There is no single train of thought, only twisted pathways that split every few seconds. I bounce from topic to topic, starting the minute excited about my day and sixty seconds later I find myself trying to remember what I just said I needed to do.
Every moment feels like I’m grasping at straws, fighting not only the chaos in my mind, but the physical pain and exhaustion I feel almost every second of everyday. I push myself past it anyway. I tell myself that there are people counting on me.
Yet everytime I accomplish something, I don’t feel proud of myself for finishing. I just feel depleted, like there is no way I could possibly do anything else that day without crashing. Everytime I stop and sit somewhere, even for a few seconds, getting back up seems like absolute hell.
Standing for more than fifteen minutes feels like climbing a mountain. My back starts to ache, I get a sharp pain in my stomach, and my legs feel like they could give out any second. Then I remember that they haven’t given out yet. I tell myself that if I let myself stop now, then it’s over and I’ve let my body win.
So I push myself. I force myself out of bed in the morning. I force myself to eat everyday. I force myself to go to class and finish my work each night. And the next morning I convince myself it’s worth it again.