What I should be doing right now: a review for my stats exam this Friday.

What I’m doing instead: writing this blog post on how I can’t focus.

My biggest question has always been “Why?” Why can’t I focus? Why do other people understand material so easily? How can I get myself to just sit down and do what needs to be done?

There are scientific answers that I’ll likely delve into one day. But for now I’m choosing to ponder. I just want to use my imagination.

Scenario #1:

There are little people in my brain. Each person is meant to carry around a bag of feathers. The feathers carry my motivation. Some people have the bags tied shut so the feathers stay put. Some decide to make sure feathers don’t crumple and leave their bags open. The problem is that the important things I have to do like study, clean, and do work are carried by those with open bags. The feathers float around just out of grasp, keeping my anxious. I know the task I need to do and I can feel the urgency of it, yet I cannot grasp the motivation to get started.

Scenario #2:

My brain is literally missing a chunk. There’s one button in my brain that I can press that allows me to be flushed with dopamine and feel motivated, but the cord to connect the button to my brain is missing.

Scenario #3:

No one can focus. Everyone is pretending that they are getting stuff done all day long, but really they are just as lost. The people who are diagnose with ADHD are just worse at hiding it.

Scenario #4:

There is a giant chasm in my brain. My brain is meant to send information from the deepest of my memory over the chasm by a floating rail system. It is mostly efficient, but sometimes the railway cars suddenly drop with train loads of information. And sometimes the cars move way too fast causing me to hyperfocus and not be able to stop.

Scenario #5:

I am just a normal person, doing my best. Society has unrealistic expectations of what on person should be able to accomplish with their time. I am actually doing really well.

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